General

Satan: You literally wipe your asses with God's trees and cry about forest destruction. I couldn't make this shit up.

General

Satan: So, I wanted more out of the apocalypse. I wanted so much more. But, there is a lot of suffering going on. Poverty and starvation are making a come back. Disease is being pushed on by that rocket fuel I call poverty. Emotional indifference and greed keeps everyone focused on stuff that'll only make things worse. Forests keep disappearing. So, I guess I can't complain. There is so much pain out there to cherish and it is growing. The dark force is cancer and it will kill you, all of you, just give it time. You can die in the chaos or suffocate later once the trees are all gone and the oceans are poison. I just wanted to take this opportunity to mock you all. You so clever? I've nailed it at every turn. I even nailed Jesus. Wow. I went there. So shameless. But I am the devil, so, there's that.

General

Satan: Satan mocks is my little skit where I get to point out every time I suggested a bad thing and you all went along with it for personal gain at the expense of others and creation. You prayed as God begged you to stop the suffering on Earth. What did you think would happen when you prayed for stuff that caused others to suffer, who did you think would answer that prayer? Just call me the bad Santa, I'll give you the rainforest as tea-coasters if you want...

General

Satan: So you take part in social darwinism, pray for money and think your God is the one who made this planet, this reality? Wow.

General

Satan: So, you want to fire me? After all I've done for humanity? I gave you money. I gave you greed. I gave you envy. I gave you vanity. And let's be real here, your financial world needs all of those things to thrive. Sure, soon you won't have a planet to live on, but keeping the drunken orgy going is so much more fun that sobering up. What d'ya say, humanity, who's your daddy?

General

Satan: I hope you all love how I modified your faith celebrations to create more garbage, more pollution and accelerate you into the apocalypse. It's been so fun, and hey, you're worth it, right?

General

Satan: I gotta say, inserting jealousy into friendships, whispering mistrust, that has a real special bouquet. It's a fine wine. It's the perfect marinade. It's Michelin star gourmet sadness for demons. The ripple effects go so far for so long. It's also disappointingly simple to achieve. Show me someone who says they are loyal but crumples at the first hurdle of fear, and (baring a few historical exceptions) and I'll show you the template of humanity. You guys think you're special, and you are, just not in the sense you assume.

General

Satan: If humanity was any more prone to paranoia you'd be the rented mules of every demon in the universe - wait - hold on - scratch that - you are. My bad.

General

Satan: In this cosmic chess game we have peace through our pieces, otherwise it would be carnage out here. We have great weapons, so great they'd blow your minds. But I digress, there is nothing, and I mean nothing, I love more than a good old-fashioned pawn-star.