It was never abandonment, it was survival. After all those times I rode in as white knight at your command, only for you to turn on me when it was more convenient to backtrack than face your demons. I am brave, but I am a realist, and I can't keep on pouring myself into these draining dramas. So, good bye. I'm protecting myself, keeping my energy for those who depend on me. That's what mature adults do.
After the long days of being so alone, the pain ebbed. I thought I would feel the knives in my back forever, the long blades slicing into such sensitive flesh. There were days my brain felt electrocuted, so violently defocused and the pain, the emotional pain, was so all encompassing I simply existed as a matter of will power. They say you come out of these things stronger, and I guess that's true, but you come out wiser too. I still have my loving heart, I am proud to say. I still have my idealism and courage. I still take forward leaps whether I can see the ground or not. But this heart, it's not for everyone, it's not for the ones who threw the knives, forgiven though they are.
You say I abandoned you, became a ghost instead of a person of flesh and blood. I'm sorry you feel that way, truly. I felt for so long that my emotions and passions didn't matter to you, that your eyes never rested where I really was, maybe on the wall behind me or on my silhouette, never taking in what was right in front of you. I guess, looking back, you were in your own pain, lost in your own thoughts, a personal battle you assumed included me. It never did. And as I walked away your thoughts raged on without me, angry at a perception of me that was never me... anger at the ghost you made, the one you have a relationship with... while I become a stranger.
Do you abandon your friends, or yourself, or is it much the same thing? For when you find yourself, your true self, you will find them also. You will see all of their actions, the ones you felt as crimes, for what they really were - the confusion of lost souls, ones who haven't seen a guiding light for some time. So, trust me when I say this to you, "Walk this way, toward this childish spirit who sees with the heart and loves as birdsong in a summer breeze. Reach for the child-self you were born as, reconnect with innocence, and humble joy. Relearn the sweetness of giving as freely as sunshine and rain. Grow enough courage to step into the soft grass and flowers, so that one day you can see yourself as I do, so you can have inner peace and dream in true liberty."
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