Discover, Share, Connect
My emotions are a part of me, and in this relationship they blend with yours in the most delicious of ways. Yet there are times I have storms inside, never because of you, but from the damage, the triggers of my past. It is for me to know that the fear comes from another place and time, that there is no connection to you. It is for me to remember that you love me as much as I love you. And then in those moments of storm I must find my calm core by myself, centre myself, or else I will always need to be calmed. I love you too much to do that to you and so I will keep on learning, keep on evolving, maturing. Then I will become the friend you deserve, able to give love freely, completely.
When I wake up, I bet I heard my mom yelling at me for sleeping in. But then the reality takes over my dreams. Mom's not here. The reality hits like a stab in the stomach. All I can do is take it in.
My roommate greets me with a grin in the kitchen. Some Spanish show is blaring on the TV. My dishes are still in the sink. Those have been there for so long because no one has told me to do the dishes. I sigh turning on the faucet. Growing up is all about responsibilities.
It's not doing your dishes because you'll lose your access to wifi for an entire day otherwise. It's doing it because you won't have anything to eat from otherwise.
Waking up early is not about pleasing your mother and giving her a reason to let you go out. It's about running errands that your life literally depends on.
Curfews are not for your parents to stop worrying about your safety, but you worrying about yours.
Having a job is not about saving money, it's about spending it.
I curse myself for choosing to grow up so fast all the while doing my grown up responsibilities.
"Oh, I'm going out to the party tonight. You coming?" My roommate shouts to make herself audible over the noise from the TV.
"Heck, yeah," I say.
Did I mention growing up is having fun and being free?
I could write a million letters, each one the same as the last in sentiment and cadence. They stay the same, only the word arrangement changes. It boils down to one thing, I miss you. You should be here. Ultimately, no one knows if that is selfish or not and even if it is, to hell with the rest of the world and their opinions. You should be here. I miss you. Your pretty blue eyes, beautiful smile, wily heart, torn mind, and kind, tortured soul. My heart is missing an integral piece, a part that keeps it from working correctly. When will I let go?
I can tell just by the way she walks that she’s insecure; her shoulders are hunched over as if hiding the treasure inside of her. Her footsteps are light and timid as she slowly approaches, watching me through skittish wide eyes. I can only imagine what might be going through her mind, thoughts like, what does she think of me? Oh, I’m so ugly! Does she like me? Will I say the right thing? I know those thoughts all too well. I smile at her, hoping to lighten the burden she carries on herself. Then something amazing happens, like a light turning on in a dark room, her eyes lighten and she smiles back. Wow, I wonder, smiles really do have power. They can reach places the sun can’t and warm the very soul.
The rain has lost the ambient temperature of early fall, freezing and paling my skin on contact. The path through the park is muddy water in motion, filling deep puddles that hide the ruts of dryer weather. To feel it isn't enjoyment, not fun like the gentle sunshine of springtime, yet it is a part of life and I want to feel it just the same. I want to experience each drop, together and apart, same and different. I want to see the droplets soaking my eyelashes before they join their brethren on the ground like saltless tears. I need to be in this, chaotic and wild, just like my mind and soul - like nature looked right into me and pulled the weather out.
The paralyzing hurt spread through my body like icy, liquid metal. I clenched my fists as I hesitantly took each step. I noticed my feet tremble. My legs twitched, fighting the impulse to whirl around and sprint down that damp, shadowed corridor; my throat closed in threat of screaming at the underpaid, overworked staff who called Dad's case hopeless, and my jaw became tight. Fire in the form of water stung my nut brown eyes, threatening their attack. I crunched my teeth over my lip harder than I ever had. Salty blood filled my mouth. Slowly, my brain picked up my feet in an unbalanced gait, carelessly dropping the lead weights to the ground with each harrowing step. Reality tried to tap its way into my marching brain's rhythm. Dad was dying. I was helpless. That was all.
With tears streaming down my face, I could do nothing but sit cross-legged on the sandy shore and stare at the horizon in front of me. Waves of a deep royal blue crept towards me before running away, only to repeat the process in a cycle that caused droplets of salty water to spray onto my bare, sand-encrusted feet. But beyond those magical waves was something even more amazing and breath-taking: The sunset. Beautiful smudges of coral, lavender, turquoise, and a fiery orange blended together to create a sight so astounding it swept me away from all of my worries, just like the waves creeping over seashells and stealing them in a matter of seconds. My last teardrop fell and hit the soft white sand, and a warm feeling of safety and security overwhelmed me as the sun dipped down below the horizon. The vast ocean in front of me was my home, where I belonged, a place to escape from my life away from the waves. Nothing could ever take that feeling away.
Alea heard the whisper of the little aspen leaves dancing in the slight breeze that toyed with her light brown hair. Her ears faintly distinguished the echoing sounds of forest animals far away, and the birds' sweet songs. She took a deep breath; the scent of pine mingled with the breeze. The forest seemed alive with little hidden secrets that only it knew.
Two shirtless boys lay snoring, one letting air out simultaneous to the other breathing in. Simon cautiously stepped over Samneric, one tossed a bit destroying the harmony between the twins. Simon drifted in between huts stepping over bodies strewn across the beach. He stepped over a pair of Jack’s hunters, their painted faces masking the nightmares they dreamt.
"I can tell you how this is gonna go, but I'm begging you to prove me wrong. First we'll flirt and get close, then the closeness will trigger a panic in me I can't control and I'll go cold, like ice. I will retreat. I'll be careful not to cause damage because I have at least learnt that much. Then, when the fear of being hurt all over again has passed I'll come back to you, warm and affectionate, feeling guilty, feeling worried that I've lost you. It will look like 'fire and ice,' or 'push and pull,' but in truth it is an emotional wave that is painful and internal to me. I will know you are being kind, steady, perhaps confused. In the end, very few stick with me; but for those that do it is an eternal friendship and I would walk through fire and ice for those I love. So, throw a penny in a well, my love, and make a wish; I already did the same."