I could feel my heart beat… every single pound in my chest. Not through my ears, that was occupied by the steady drum, pipe, and dark voice of the Celtic music; drowning it out in the ears. But I couldn't lay there. I had to but I couldn't. This great pounding, this great pressure; every beat. I couldn't hear it, but I could feel it. It remains now, even as I write, it remained through what little of the Great Gatsby I could shove down my throat. It remained when I stood and stumbled into the other room trying to relieve myself of the small dogs who wouldn't stop nagging. That dark beating remained, alone in this house with me. Every beat a turbulent push from within pushing as a giant placed within the chest; as a great wave against a minuscule dike. This pressure urges the words, this horrible pressure. I tried sleeping through it, drums beating along with the muscle; but the music lost, ran out of time. I don't know for what reason I have to be placing these words here. I started in an attempt at relief, from the beating; some trickle of words to relieve the flood. I can feel it still, beating, pulsing, thumping. It didn't work; why won't it stop.
I sit still on my chair, with no strength to move. My shaky fingers finally come to stop after running restlessly through my messed up hair. I bite down on my lip trying not to burst into tears. This not going to help, it's not going to change anything. I know anyone would laugh at it if they were present here right now. I know there's nothing to feel so despair over a C in a mock test which is supposed to be just for practise. My heart still won't stop racing fast, forcing tears to roll down my face.
I crumple the test paper in my fist and throw it away with all my strength. I shout curses at it, and finally let out my tears. How do you take something not to be a big deal when it is one? Do you just act alright because people would think you are over-reacting? My grades have been the only thing that made me visible, and it even made me 'Miss Popular' at least on exam days. Now I am here with a C, just one small letter written in red ink to send me back to being a nobody, a girl not even good enough to be a 'nerd'.
Everyday after work, I lie down on my comfortable couch reading books and watching talk shows - no communication with friends or others. Loneliness brings life into another realm, quietness is the new beginning for humankind to think more and think from themselves. In the school jail, the crazy competitions don't give you the opportunity to think yourself, you have to pay careful attention to the teachers or else you will be shut down like someone who scored no goals on a hockey team. At least, that was the case for me. Now, I am free and can build my own thoughts and express myself in unique ways and ideas. Loneliness helped to create my own identity and it will continue to strengthen my inner self.
This form as two hearts, my child and me. That's love, right, your everything belongs to their tiny form. So it is my joy to carry her, to be the feet we place upon the Earth as she wiggles and giggles, pointing out all the things that spark her brain to curiosity. Sometimes she is quiet, so absorbed in the world around us, yet always we are connected, bonded; that is the beauty of my existence and always will be.
I am the rose and you the thorn, so I bear these scratches and you smell of perfume. Yet as the cosmos shifts and I gain the upper hand we both heal, you and I. After all, we grew together of the same roots, part of the same blessed flower.
I can tell you why the economy is broken, and for that matter, why everything is broken in a little story. Imagine if we introduced an economy into the family. In this family economy we had to pay each other for every task we did for one another. What then if the money freezes and the price of hugs goes up? There is still the same capacity for hugs, only the money system means we can't afford them. Then if we really need a hug do we go without? If we need a hug are we prepared to cheat someone out of money or take a loan? It's ridiculous, but this is the way the world is. More money or less is irrelevant to our capacity to do tasks or the weather systems and such, it simply restricts us and makes an incentive to do less noble deeds.
Let's shift our idea of what chaos is, because it shifts how we relate to freedom. For when we do this the arguments of libertarian vs authoritarian fall mute. It is obvious, or should be, that a complex global society needs people with great organisational skills who are deeply humanitarian and committed to fairness and peace to take positions of service. Thus, the greater the ability the deeper the service role they can volunteer for or be asked to consider. This performs the tasks of government without any notion of power, for their only right to perform the task comes from the trust the community places in them. Thus, when we have an improved form of democracy of deeply empathic and analytical intellectuals to service institutes there is real freedom for all. We have all the structures available to thrive and be organised, yet everyone is free to choose their own path in the system, everyone with good food and shelter as a right rather than as a thing to "earn." This is compatible with modern brain science, for when we are free of need our brains become capable of being part of a socially complex society with self control and desiring to follow a passion, to develop the self as an individual and work for the benefit of others. Thus, this is chaos organised so intelligently that the order comes from the best parts of our human nature. In a good environment we are all good, not from external force but internal emotions and needs - that's when we have a lasting peace and thriving planet. If we imagine what we have now as a triangle, the most powerful at the top and the least at the bottom; this is flipping it over to have most service at the bottom and most vulnerable at the top. And this is done alongside making resource allocation both fair and separate from this system of service roles. We can still have a Queen, her role is to serve and protect, the same comes of other roles - true service, wise "chiefs" without ego, noble and self-sacrificing - real heroes.
Only by looking at an object from many perspectives do you see its exact shape and dimensions, and truth is the same; which is why only a multidisciplinary approach by the high level generalists will find it. For it is the harmonising of these facts from apparently unrelated areas that is the eureka moment, the finding of truth.
That warm, raspy voice that possessed his cords that night, sent nerves dancing up my spine. His smile sent my mind into an uncontrolled, captivated spiral and his light touch lingered, it branded my soul with a simple mark: infatuation. To call it love would be a mockery of my heart, a symbol of my dying innocence. But every tempered word he spoke invaded my mind, like ivy tendrils seeking any point of weakness to enter; they wrapped my body in a blanket of comfort and consumed my soul in the heat of lust.
I remember that night in a soft, painful haze. It's the night that taught me the difference between love and infatuation. Love is unconditional, eternal... Infatuation? It dies.