apprehensive - quotes and descriptions to inspire creative writing
Lara waits in the shadows, her eyes taking in the dappled shade a little way yonder. Close by she can hear the deliberations, the discussions of those that judge. Though there is fear in her chest, there is none in her heart, for she knows that man may judge ought. Man is born to love and think, to see problems and find the best possible solutions for all. Judgement is for God alone. So when she is called she walks forward with head held high, her dress billowing in the wind. The men look at her with narrowed eyes, all of them having enjoyed the reading of her misdeeds. Then one by one by their moral codes written in dead ink they condemn her and ask what she has to say. "My heart is love, so of fear I have no need and your judgement is no more to me than the singing of the crickets come evening time."
Why is it life takes souls from one uncomfortable place to another? Allowing them to shift between them. For me, I see an opportunity to choose to either be brave or move with the least of my fears like a leaf in a river. Sometimes I do flow like the leaf, but I'm most proud of myself when I just stop and take control. Then I am the river and I direct my own course even when fear blackens out the sun, then I am warrior, then I am worthy.
There are days my breath gets caught in my chest and then I know the fear is gaining on me. I breathe shallow and find a way to release the tension. The more apprehensive I get, the more I look like I've got adult ADHD, maybe I have.
Waiting to be called, I ran over my French vocabulary in my head. How bad could the test be? My mouth ran dry and my stomach turned in an unfriendly way. I felt as if my brain were full of static, either firing off a million unhelpful thoughts at once or offering nothing at all. What if I walked in there and that was the best I could do, a gabble of nonsense or stony silence? I couldn't fail this, I couldn't afford to.
I want to walk right up to him and tell him I love him, that I would do anything for him, that he's want I want, flaws and all. But I can't. Before the words even form in my mouth or my feet take me to his vicinity where speech would be possible, my heart is racing. I'm scared, or apprehensive as my fifth grade English teacher loved to say. It was his favorite word. It's not mine though, it's the bane of my life. I told my best friend all about it and she said there's no way he's gay anyway, so maybe my fear's a good thing, perhaps it's saving me from trouble. I can't see it her way though, how can my heart be wrong?
I am apprehensive, yet unafraid. It is the jolt I need to know that I am walking into a storm, but not so much that my steps will be hindered. If anything it gives me the courage I need to make them, knowing that few good things in this life come without a cost to the self.
There isn't a person in a hundred that could tell of my apprehension. I take all that is calm about me and make it my aura, tucking away that which would surrender my insecurities to the world and leave me so naked. And so I breeze through this life bestowing smiles and the salve loved ones need to be well. Over time the things that scare me fade away like old shirts lost in the back of the closet and I feel so much better, as if they were never there at all.
At the table there is a silence, but not one of happy eating. There is tension and the few words people say fall like dirty pebbles onto the table. Mave looks about at the faces, how the tightness of their jaws and shoulders are reflected in one another. Her own belly has become tight and her usual ready smile is afraid to decorate her face.