He has weaponised his emotional indifference, abusing rather than cherishing my loving emotions. Tears escape my eyes, running away upon my cheeks, leaving my body as if they cannot bear to witness yet another verbal assault. Threats of hateful things are spoken as if he were ordering food from a takeaway menu. Hateful things I can't explain. When they shame you in the assault they feel sure you won't share it or call for help. It just hurts. But in that context, the word 'hurt' holds a lot more meaning than usual definitions. It is a lingering pain, one you can only shake by gaining a greater perspective, by standing back and imaging yourself as someone who loves you. Then you ask, "What would they say about all this? What might their advice be?"

The rain had always been something enchanting to me. Not the romantic, heart and flowers type, but in a different way. It felt as if the Big Guy above all of us were crying. Were despairing at the foolish sins and actions we mortals committed. Either way, it struck me as a wonder of the nature. The rain would bring in it's cold weather, inside which I would feel warm. The aftermath of a shower would be this sweet, earthy smell. It bewitched me. The beads of water upon flower petals were quietly dramatic. Perhaps, a moment for a photo shoot. The sun would shine down after the rain, but there would be nothing hot or sticky about it. The atmosphere would be pleasantly damp, and it would give me the spirit of a dreamy poetess.

This depression- it's been eating me up. The world no longer seems magical. The sky no longer seems limitless. The chirping of the birds no longer is a music to my ears. It's very dark in here. Not from the practical point of view, but from my mental state. The tears want to roll down, but they are too stubborn. They just wouldn't come. My face wants to grimace and contort into a painful expression, but the fake smile that has been plastered since years seems to have frozen in place. It's all too painful; my pain is never-ending.

Depression, is not sadness; that I can confirm. Because sadness is to cry and to feel. But depression? It's this absence of feeling, that leaves you hollow afterwards. It's like when the pain gets jammed up in your head, to an extent where you go numb against all of those pent-up emotions. It's the case, where you decide to adjust to life with depression, and not adjust to depression with life. To live for the depression, and to take depression with life have a fair line of difference. It matters whether you give depression the honcho-part, or you make life more important than the depression.

You'll laugh, you'll cry. You'll cry.
That's how it is. It eats you up like a worm eats up an apple, slow and steady. It's difficult to describe this very term- because you don't know what it looks like. You don't know what it tastes like, what it smells like. But you feel it, and that's more than you can bear.
You can describe sadness- it means to cry, and to be tired of life- that's a pretty sum-up of sadness. But this cold absence of feeling- that's hollowed, that's depression.
It doesn't let your feeling out. Depression is like a barrier too, that opposes the tears from coming out. You can virtually feel the tears well-up in your eyes, but they ate stubborn. They just wouldn't roll down. To die is one thing; to die everyday is completely different. It's just that, some people die at twenty-five, and get buried at seventy-five.
I wonder if we could change our culture, change our ways of living, so we all stayed alive while our hearts still beat.

To struggle is a form of success, for It means that you have the guts to try. It is the strength that you need tomorrow. A poor man can choose to keep on living even when he can't feed his family. You can too. One day, the depth of your struggle will determine the height of your success. The Lord sees through your struggle; look at him, and he'll guide you.
Just keep on trying. Keep battling. Because success and growth are born from such noble struggle.

It's okay to hate someone. It is. For when love goes into reverse, the result is hate, and that hate can become a protective force. Let me tell you of my father...

He would create a problem, and not find a solution, then he would accuse me. He would shift the blame. He would tell me that I was the fucking reason behind the problem. What crap. It's bad parenting such as this that injures the brain, increases impulsivity and the kind of aggression that can hurt others.

But the most heart-wrenching thing he did was to compare me to other kids, and say that "you aren't like this," or "you aren't like that." Well, you know what they say about opposites. How am I supposed to be aggressive and silent at the same moment? How can a kettle release steam and be cold all at once? And after all, every person has different attributes- how could he blame me that I was not like someone else? Aren't we all here with our own talents for our own purpose?

My pain had a limit. My respect could stay until a limit. It is because he crossed that limit that my respect and devotion, my pure-child love, turned into raging hatred. It's healthy to own these things. It's healthy to see the truth.

I can't live without you, anymore. Without you, what is the purpose of my existence? If I will embrace you, I'll embrace my soulless self.
Because it is you. Only you. You are my life. You're my pain- you're my relief. You are my love.
What is your relationship with me, that I can't afford to stay a moment away from you? I live for you everyday, my time is devoted to you. No moment is a moment without you. Your name is etched on each breath of mine.
I have lived only for you; I am prepared to die for you. Your thoughts gave me the emotional support I needed in your absence. They took out the grief which presided in my heart, but now the melancholy has returned with thrice the effect.
You are my lucky-clover. I am content with you.

But all these years, that I've tried to stay away, tried to keep you safe from my evil clutches- they are heart wrenching. I can't endure the pain anymore!

My wild heart longs for you; I have asked for you in my every prayer. Your leaving me alone is like some reflex of my bad karma, I had committed years ago. Now that you have left, it's like I am dyeing a hundred deaths each moment.
My eyes go numb when reminded of you, o My Love. It hurts like prick. What has happened to me; I don't understand. Has something broken inside me? Probably.
I can't live anymore without you? Why? I loved you, perhaps? Is there a question after all? I regret that I couldn't confess it to you. My heart has shouted your name whole night, I have asked for you in my each prayer.
You were intoxicated, but I had to pay for it. Without you, I am impossible. How much does love hurt? I think this couldn't be more, but this only gets worse.

As I stand on the roads wet with rain drops, I wait for you to show up. I name the acres of my heart to you. I want to lose myself in you such that, I would never find myself again. Gradually, I give up my life to be spent with you. As I come close to you, my heart breaks, with the mere thought that you hold so much power in my life; your single wrong decision would take me away from you. Like the clouds, you have fallen upon me; like the lovely rain, you have wet my life with love, and happiness. You have stirred my senses.
My destiny is like a new dawn, which you've brought. I need to spend my entire life with you. Be mine, love- I want to say, but I am dumb, because I don't wanna hurt you.

He wasn't an alcoholic, well not exactly. He was addicted to cheap stunts that boosted his ego at the expense of my own. Good people feel good when they lift others up, poisonous people feel good when they put others down. Good people get addicted to doing good. Poisonous people get addicted to causing the hurt. He'd talk me into helping him sweetly, as if he had some work to be done. He'd ask me to sing, a vulnerable thing to do, then say my voice was too hoarse and not up to his standards. I wish I'd stood up for myself, yet when you are being so emotionally drained by another person it's harder to do than it would appear. I never mustered enough courage to speak to his face, only calling him a lot of names in my thoughts. I would release the pent-up energy on pen and paper. Once, in youthful innocence, I believed that my situation would change, but with the passage of time, it was my attitude that changed. I lost faith in him. I realised that I would be happier if he'd leave me alone, if I could gain the space to grow into being the kind of positive person I can be proud of, a person who brings others emotional support instead of pain.

I never lived a moment of my life, before meeting you. You can't be separated from me! This heart was angry when I was without you. And that today I met you once more, this heart says that it is colored in your colors! I am yours. Be mine. Nothing in me is mine; it's all yours. I've fallen in your charm; make me yours. This unusual feeling- it aches my heart, sweetheart. How long? I can't wait! And when your heart came across mine in it's path, every beat was celebrated, by your grace. I have risen to meet you; hidden in your heart. The moment you are with me- I rejoice life in that mini-second. Getting you was all I wanted; I have no more wishes. Christ has done his deeds for me! I am made from you, and I am needless without you. Be with me; make me yours. This feeling, that I can't explain; I will just be brave enough to admit that I'm falling for you.

The misery of your departure haunts me; the pain of your not coming anymore pains me. On the top of it- the viciousness of the generation; what do I do? Staying awake, looking all night; hoping to catch a glimpse of you- but there is no 'YOU.' I don't receive any news regarding you.

Many memories came, and went by; but this time, you need to come. Do not bring the intention of leaving me again; just bring yourself. When others go through what I have gone, they will feel my pain. There is no sunshine without you; no rain without you. If you wanna know what is it like to live without a heart, ask me. There will be a way that leads to me - follow it forever; listen to what it wants to say. Bring the news to me, that you are coming, my love. Please.

Is life searching for me? My heart advises me to stop here, peacefully. I've met so much, felt so much. Don't know how it influenced me. Someone has confessed love to me. I have found my hope in it. A stone of hope in a mountain of despair. Some singer's song gives me happiness; gives me strength... The someone; he is like that singer. He is the home to a lost child- the lost one is me. He is like the snow of winter; someone without whom, I am homeless.

He is like the edge who gives me support; I got him at some precious point. A single streetlight, illuminating my world of darkness. I forgot my pain because of him. He is teaching me the way to live, again. He is the rain of my desert; the ointment to my pain. I have got him; he is the shelter to my homeless self. He is my shield; he smiles at me. He hides my sea of pain from me; overshadows me from the sun - Christ knows how he doesn't get burnt by the brutal sun-rays.

I don't have the slightest inkling about what happened to my cold and calloused heart. You felt like family the instant I met you. Is this passion or misery; how do I convey this unusual feeling?
When I met you, it felt like my day bloomed beautifully. Who knows where we are going?; I have left all that to my heart.
Whichever path I travel, I want only you. You are my supplement; I am yours too!
Thank you, my dear; this heart is yours from now on. How is this new feeling? Name it like you want.
I don't know anything else- you are the one who understands me so well. I have never seen the craze I have in anybody else, other than you! My morning starts with you, my evenings end with you. I will not lose you from my vision; I will give you all you want; you just give me yourself.
I just crave this amazing company you give me. I just worship you.

Out of troubles and pain, will emerge the strongest souls; the most massive characters will be seared with scars. I have Jesus watching upon me; the burning sea level shrieks with terror when it imagines me. And I am very lionhearted enough to go anywhere on my own.

This pain is my strength; Christ won't stop me from acquiring what I want to- because I am iron. I am the daredevil. I have the passion of a storm, and this garden is my rock. I'll try, and undeniably- I will succeed. I have the valour in my motives, in my arms, and in my breath. Come, I am ready to fight these circumstances.

So, dark forces, get ready to fight me. Because I believe in standing firm, in reforming after every shattering blow, and I will mark your end.

The Lord has made me insensitive to any affliction in life. The storm has made me the plank of the canoe. So, I picked up all the restlessness of the world, and when I couldn't be made into anything, Jesus gave me this heart. That was meant to love you. The heart, whose sole job was to sing your praise and love you.
O Soulmate, please come to me, after all! Come to me, and let me wrap you and make you warm in my arms. It will give me enormous calm, forever. It will make me glad incessantly.
As my eyelids close, Christ knows who I hunt for, that snatches away my siesta. Christ knows, whom I crave so much, that all my wishes are lame against her. I used to believe my power naps were threaded; they were haunted. But no. Since you came into my dull life, I have understood, that you are what I need.
O Love; show this wayfarer his way. And hold his finger, so as to guide him. Without you, his reason to live is lost.
'cause I love you with my heart and soul. Cause I am wothless without my light.

She was my angel. Because I fell for her demons first. Vowed to kill and bleed for her. I was the devil of the story. But her presence gave me a reason to want to go to heaven. How she could affect souls! It was awe-inspiring. Worth seeing. She was the one, who loved me eternally, irrevocably, and unconditionally. She had me in her thrall. She completed me. Washed away the blood of brutality off me.
Her voice was more soothing than a thousand kisses. Her touch was softer than feather. She was the proof that one could walk through hell, and still be an angel. She knew me inside and out, and still loved me for what I was. She was my guardian angel.

I originated from a cruel place. Was raised among barbaric conditions, and faced brutality. And finally, I learnt callousness. I became stone-hearted. But when my little bundle of joy arrived, a thing me and my wife made, when she came- my daughter; everything changed. She reminded me of love and bond. I couldn't let her into the world of viciousness. She was soft, and breakable, like the snow. She was was gentle, and she was my world. I knew, that if she ventured into my dark world, she would hate her own existence. I desired my daughter to have a life of positivity and satisfaction of living authentically on purpose. She was the melody of my beating heart. She gave me hope for the future. She was my life, my world- I decided, she would live a good life.

He is my brother. A person from my bloodline. He has me covered, like I've got his back. My accomplice. My co-conspirator. He wouldn't hesitate to die for me. We are the same soul, split in two, and walking on four legs. If I help his boat to reach the shore, then my own will reach too. Because we are one. If he dies, then I'll die. We both are killers. I can kill myself for him, and kill others for him too. He is a heartbeat among the cacophony of heartbeats I have. People might ask, like you did. But does it ever matter? Being the one in power, or not being? Either way, when my brother is in question, then there has to be no question.