self improvement - quotes and descriptions to inspire creative writing
I guess for most folks "self improvement" means learning to care more, to show more empathy; for me it is the opposite. I've spent a lifetime overriding the input from my primitive brain, the part of me that encourages me to keep myself healthy and well. The end result of that was bad for me and those I love. They didn't know what my needs were because I had no idea what they were. In the attempt to fit in, to become part of a "we" I lost "I." Yet once balance is lost you're on borrowed time, you're burning your emotional fuel without enough new fuel coming in. Those around you get used to taking from you, they begin to feel entitled to it, and so when you tire or fail to give what they want, they become hostile, aggressive even. At that point how do you rebalance your life? Other than excluding all these "toxic people"? In my situation, that was the only solution. Retreat, isolate, get a dog... recover, heal and then... try again to build brand new relationships... the old ones would soon go back to old habits... there is only forwards now, only new, never old, relationships. And so other than being a good parent, loving and caring for your children, every other person falls away. Gone for good. And this new improved version of me tries to listen to my own soul, to the needs of both primitive and higher brain, to give balance to my own needs and the needs of others in wider society and personally. That will always be my battle, to keep my motherly instincts restrained, to let my logic hold its ground against my heart when it's important to do so, yet know when it's right to let my heart take the lead as it so very much wants to.
When I'm feeling triggered the world and everyone it is behind fifty feet of glass. Loving bonds become inaccessible. In this mode I have to take great care not to damage bonds of love, the relationships and people who are everything to my heart and soul. For in time the glass disappears and my love returns. I wish I could stop the triggering, but if I feel unprotected or left to fend for myself it returns - it is survival mode, cold and indifferent. Yet even in these times I am cognisant of my morality. I still make good choices. I can still imagine what the better version of me would want me to do and then carry that out. I can't undo the trauma I've been through, but I can adapt and overcome.